if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
