I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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