Ambien. No doubt about it.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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