I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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