its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
