I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
