Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
