Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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