rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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