you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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