Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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