My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
