I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
