He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
