I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize