he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
