just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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