i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
