if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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