I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
