just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We have so much sex to catch up on
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
