I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
