I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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