First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
