The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
