you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
