Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
