Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
