You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
