I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Mom said you looked used
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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