I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
