I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
