apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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