I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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