This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
