DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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