Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
