Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
