Define "chronic" masturbator.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
