just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
