Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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