I feel like I'm in dance class right now
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
