Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
