i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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