You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
