I'm gonna have a badass scar
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
