Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I want to be your penis for a week.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
