I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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