this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
