Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
