Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
