My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
