nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
