Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
