Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
