Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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