remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
