Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize