I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
