Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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